


Why You Wanna Give Me A Run-A-Round

by Tinychemicals



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, I cant do mmfd dialogue, M/M, New York, Running Away, Wedding, a little bit of gay, americanized, i know that offends some of you, lots of inner dialogue, there will be no arse it will say ass, this is your warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-07 09:51:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1894584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tinychemicals/pseuds/Tinychemicals
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before Finn decided to do something stupid, like confess his love to one of his newest best friends, Rae, he up and moves to New York and starts a new life. He's spent the last 5 years leaving everyone in the past...but as we all know its never really that easy to run away from your problems. Will he ever get tired of the run-a-round?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Well I like coffee and I like tea

When you run away from something one of two things will happen: 1 – you’ll completely avoid that problem and never be forced to deal with it (this literally never happens) or 2- that problem will bite you in the ass when you least expect it. Running away from something always seems like the easiest solution when you’re up against the wall and can’t see more than a few inches in front of your own face. So when I had to make the decision to either tell the girl I’d become best friends with over the last year that I was in love with her or watch her run off into the sunset with some other guy, naturally, I decided that the first part of our previous equation was my best option. Sure, I had seen the wedding invitation. I had a pretty great ritual with it that involved a small kitchen fire and an entire case of beer. Not one of my more proud moments but it’s a decision I’m still sticking behind. I had heard she was pregnant a year or so after they had gotten married, I had also heard that she lost the baby shortly after. I didn’t know how to be there for her anymore and after the way I had left, I wasn’t exactly sure she’d want to see my face again either way. Most people always want an explanation and I wasn’t in any sort of mood to give anyone that. 

There were always ways of avoiding going home, always a test to study for, paper to finish or the most reliable, sorry, can’t get out of work and they’re real slave drivers here. Then once you’ve said no a certain amount of times, they stop asking, they stop expecting you to show up and they give you want you wanted when you left. To just be left the fuck alone. But who really wants to be alone in a strange country with nothing to do, when the girl you love is in love with someone else. If that’s a hard question for you, then the answer is no one. No one wants this, it’s not something little boys stay awake at night dreaming about the girl they’ll always love and how she’ll never love them back. It’s shit okay and I know but I’ve gotten myself so far down this road that I’m not really even sure which direction might take me back home. 

There were people I missed sure, my dad, he never really understood why I thought leaving was my only real option but he’s still in love with a women who left him so long ago I can’t even remember her face, so his vote doesn’t count. Archie, of everyone, Archie is probably the one I miss the most. Been the best of friends for years, since we were kids, and in the end I even left him without an explication. Then there will always be her, the girl that he’d compare every other girl to and the girl they’d always lose standing next to. Do you know how strange it is to go 5 years without seeing people you’ve spent your entire life with? Do you understand how much willpower that takes? Also a bit of stupidity but that’s the part you’ll hear about later. 

The accent worked well with the ladies in New York, even if it had only been used to land him a job hosting a midnight radio show, they let him play his own stuff and ramble on about his pathetic life. Even managed to build up enough listeners to have a few of them call in ask a few questions now and then. WKPX 98.6 all the 90’s punk you could stand but hey any excuse to play Oasis and he’d take it. Working 5 nights a week and having your weekends free is nothing to complain about. Even if his first caller had only been to request that he stop playing wonderwall every single night it was still a caller and he considered that a step in the positive direction, he’d just open with it a few times a week instead. 

Instead of living his dull existence out peacefully like he had actually kind of, started to come to terms with it was all blown up in one single rap on the door, it should have sounded familiar in all honesty but you know the thing is, when you move to a different country you never really expect to run into someone from your past and you never expect to have them knock on your door at 11 am on a random Tuesday in September. So when exactly that happens, it’s hard to put the right kind of words together and have them make sense. 

“Hey asshole” Archie smiles walking right past him, dropping his bag and throwing his arms around his neck. This is that moment when you’ve thought that you made it through your two possible outcomes of running and you’ve kind of felt a little proud of yourself for thinking you’re finally the one person who’s managed to run away from their problems and successfully leave them behind. This is when you realize that it will always come back to bite you in the ass. 

“What are you doing here?”

“What? No hello Archie, how are you? How was your flight? I’ve missed you, it’s so nice to see you. I can’t believe you came all this way just to see your dear old friend Finn” 

“I…I am happy to see you, I’m just surprised” 

“Well good because I’m pretty sure not knowing I was standing on the other side of it was the only way you’d have ever opened that door for me.” 

“That’s not true” I say raking my palm down my face “I would have opened the door either way” 

“Sure you would have” he laughs and pulls off his glasses. He leans against the arm of the sofa and looks down at the hem of his t-shirt he’s now using to clean the lenses. “Why don’t we go grab a drink?” 

“Is that when you’re going to tell me what’s going on?” 

“Why can’t a friend just show up at your door without you expecting something to be going on?”

“I may not have seen you in the last few years but I know for sure that you wouldn’t come all this way without something to tell me”

“Maybe you’re right” He states walking over to me slinging his arm around my neck, pulling me out the front door “but I do remember that it’s easier to have a conversation with you once you’ve got a few tequila shots in you” 

“Oh fuck, this is something that requires tequila?” 

“So much tequila” 

Once you’ve swallowed 7 tequila shots everything seems a lot easier, walking, dancing, talking to girls or listening to your old best friend talk about the guy he’s in love with. It’s easy to listen to him go on and on about this perfect guy who lives in New York, who makes an obscene amount of money, is openly gay, has a summer house in the Hamptons and has asked your best friend to marry him. It was easy to be happy for him too. Right up until he said “we’re getting married here and I want you to be my best man”. That’s when you realize that nagging feeling at your ass isn’t because you’re at a gay bar and things are getting weird, it’s because your life is finally biting you in the ass and you have nowhere else to run.


	2. when all it does is slow me down

I’d never really thought Archie would end up with a guy named Todd. The guy part not so shocking but seriously? Todd? It’s a douchebag name. Any way, it’s not like I just knew running away was the best decision, it just felt like the only one I could make with the least amount of damage to everyone around me. Guys have too much responsibility, I had to be the one to confess all my feelings to her and I just didn’t think she would want to hear it. It’s not like I could have stayed in that town and watched her amazing life unfold in front of me and play along. I can't be strong when I have to see it all but I can hide away here and try and make something for myself, even if it can't include her. If I’d stayed I know exactly what would have happened. We would have ended up alone together at some point and she’d be married to some guy in love and I’d kiss her because I just couldn’t stand it anymore and then I’d ruin everything. At least this way I was far enough not to ruin anything, I could deal with disappointing people from far away. Dad would come to NY eventually, I’m wearing him down slowly. 

At least I can still hold my liquor better than Archie, I drank him under the table, yet managed to stay sober enough to make it to work and had just put him to bed on the sofa. He’d managed to get me on the phone with Todd earlier and they’d made me promise to agree to be Archie’s best man. I had no other option, running away from it at this point would be impossible and I’m pretty sure Todd was loaded enough to hire a private investigator and find me no matter how far I went. There’s no way that she’d come all the way here for this wedding any way, I was probably safe. At the very least I’ll probably have to endure the annoying details of their perfect life from Chloe, she wouldn’t miss a wedding for anything. So I’m giving up for tonight, I’m going to work and I’ll face the gory details of what I’m going to have to do tomorrow, when I’m not just making them up myself.  
  
As it turns out I didn’t really have to wait that long to find out exactly how far into this rabbit hole I was going to fall. Archie was up and apparently ready for the day when I managed to get myself back into the apartment. 

“How are you not still drunk?”

“How did you go to work drunk?”

“I didn’t drink that much, is answering a question with a question your new thing?”

“It was tequila, I don’t get hangovers from tequila” he paced across the floor, clearly he had something big to drop now and had run out of time waiting for the right moment. Moments are funny like that, never really scheduling themselves perfectly. 

“Can you just spit out whatever it is that you’re clearly avoiding telling me?”

“I don’t want you to get worked up” 

“I’m already worked up, I’ve been awake for almost 24 hours, so whatever it is that you’re gonna tell me just say it because at least now my reaction time will be so delayed that it’ll give me time to think of a response to get out of it.” 

“I don’t want you to try to find a way to get out of it” he huffed and then actually, in 5 year old fashion, stopped his foot. I probably shouldn’t have laughed when he did. 

“Damnit Finn, I gave you your space, I didn’t pressure you about why you did all this, I never asked you any questions. I haven’t asked you for anything in the last 5 years and I just need you to do this one little thing for me without jumping in front of or on a bus.” 

“Well it would be nice to know what this one little thing is” I maybe yelled a little at this point. 

“I want you to be my best man” 

“Archie I already said yes to that”

“The wedding is next Saturday” 

“What the fuck Archie?” 

“And she’ll be there” The look on my face was probably the exact thing he was trying to avoid, I’m sure it was a mixture of sheer terror and constipation. I could actually feel myself sweating, my cheeks burning and my heart was beating so fast I was sure it was going to explode. 

“I don’t know if I can do this” 

“It’ll be fine, you won’t even have to speak to her, you won’t even have to look at her, you’ll just be there for the ceremony and then give your speech at the reception and then you can resume your fucked up version of monkhood.” 

“I do not live like a monk” I swore and then rolled my eyes harder than any teenage girl could ever hope to aspire to. 

“But you do Finn, you’ve excluded yourself away from every single person you’ve ever known half a world away. You don’t have anything to do with any of us, when’s the last time you even saw your dad? Furthermore when’s the last time you went on a date? Did anything without brooding?” 

“I’m really starting to regret those monthly emails.” 

“Yeah that’s right, I can physically see you brood via email” 

“You don’t understand-“

“I do, I understand perfectly. You’re in love with her, you’ve always been in love with her and then when she found someone she loved you couldn’t stand watching it happen. And then instead of telling her how you feel you thought all of this” he said waving his arms around the apartment “was a better decision than the possibility of ruining that one single friendship. It’s not like you had anyone else in your life that would have missed you.” 

“That was almost heartfelt until the sarcasm at the end.” 

“It’s either the sarcasm or I hit you and I thought that would go over better for what I’m asking you to do.” 

“Good call” 

“I know it won’t be easy for you but I know that I’ll regret it and I hope so will you if you aren’t there for me on this day. This is it for me, Todd is it for me, I love him and he loves me and I want you to be a part of our lives together and I hope that once I’m here with him we can work on that but right now I just need to be honest with you about what’s going to take place, I’m not going to surprise you with the details. This should make it easier for you if you know exactly what’s going to happen.”

“None of this is going to be easy” 

“I said easier Nelson” it was an awkward silence for about 45 seconds longer than it should have been.

“I am happy for you” I said looking up, giving him a tight lipped smile 

“I know I can tell by your level of excitement” In all honesty I had just gotten off work and was in no way ready for this conversation. 

“I’m sorry okay, you just show up and spring all this on me, what did you expect? Did you think I was gonna excited about having to see her. I did, as you so nicely put, ‘all of this’ for a reason, it was miserable Archie, I can't see her” I sat down on the sofa and covered my face with my hands. 

“I don’t want to cause you more pain, I honestly don’t, but I really want my best friend with me on this one day. I want you to know Todd, he thinks you’re my imaginary friend at this point.” I laughed and sat back leaning my head on the back of the couch. 

“I’ll try Archie” I said shaking my head “I can't promise that I’ll be able to keep it together but I’ll try” 

“Thank you” he sat down beside me and bumped me with his shoulder “that’s all I need, it’s enough to say you’ll try.” 

“Now, since you look like shit and I’m pretty sure it’s hours past time for you to be in bed, I’m going to breakfast with Todd, his plane lands in an hour and I’ll call you tomorrow. You will answer the phone tomorrow, yes?” 

“Yes I will answer the phone, I have to work tomorrow night, I can't do this all night shit anymore, I’m too old” 

“You’ve always been an old man, since the day you were born” 

“Thanks for that, thanks I can see now why I’ve wasted so much of my time these last few years actually missing you”

“You’ve missed me, I don’t need you to admit it out loud”

“So…how is she?” 

“Do you want to know? Because I’ll tell you everything, I’ll give you every single detail of her life, if you honestly want to hear it?” 

“No, I don’t deserve to know, don’t tell me” I stood up and walked him to the door, “I’m glad that you still want me there for you after all the shit I put everyone through”

“Sorry Nelson, you’re stuck with me for the rest of your life, no matter what” 

“Thank you” I half smiled “I’m glad that you still want to be stuck with me” 

“Hey, I understand why you left, that doesn’t mean I like what you did but I understand it.”


	3. I couldnt escape the memeory

Most like you would have expected, I did not sleep very well. I could fall asleep but woke up several times after having the same dream 3 times, luckily each time I woke up right before she murdered me. They started the same each time, she’s standing on the deck of some amazing house, her husband, 2 perfect children and dog surrounded by friends and I walk right up to her and kiss her hard on the mouth. Fingers tangled up in her hair, her soft plump lips feel like satin and just when I’m working on perfecting the amount of suction to be applied to her bottom lip she knees me right in the business. Then her perfect husband suggests I take myself home, while she screams at me for running her daughters first birthday. This is a real life situation, this is not a dream, this is the exact type of shit I would have pulled had I stayed. This is what I had to do to avoid making an asshole out of myself and this is probably extremely similar to what was going to happen at Archie’s wedding and then I’d have the added pleasure of running that day for him. It is basically impossible for me to decipher why he would want to include me in this day when he very well knows this is a possible outcome. 

There was no real point in trying to sleep because anything I was thinking while being awake I was now dreaming about. So after watching the clock for another hour I just said fuck it and got up for the day, the day being 8 pm. I ran the rest of the day like a robot, trying to keep my mind as numb as possible. That worked out pretty well for me for the rest of the night, I even managed to come home after work and fall directly into bed, thanks to the assistance of a sleeping pill I banked a solid 7 hours of Rae-dream free zzz’s. I thought I was getting a grasp on my sanity. My sanity was gone quickly after my phone call with Archie. 

“Are you just getting up?” 

“I work at night, it’s perfectly normal for me to be just waking up right now.” 

“Perfectly normal” he huffed out a laugh “I don’t think that’s something I’d associate with you” 

“Thank you for your glowing support, you’re a huge pain in my ass” 

“I hardly ever top”

“Jesus, Archie I just woke up I cannot deal with these digs, I don’t have my wits about me yet.” His only response was total silence and a laugh so loud that I had to actually remove the phone from my ear. 

“Okay” he continued laughing “okay, so I made you an appointment to get fitted for your tux and I need you to be there at 9 am tomorrow morning, can you do that?”  
“Yeah I can swing by after work, just text me the address” 

“Great thanks, I’ve been pushing through these RSVP’s all day”

“How many people are gonna be at this thing?” 

“Not many I think we’re up to 64 people”

“64 people, how do you even know 64 people?” I yelled

“Todd has a lot of family, in reality this is actually a smaller affair than he wanted it to be” I exhaled every single bit of air inside of my body. “Would you relax I’m not asking you for much, get fitted for a tux, by the way that we’re buying you and you get to keep, did I mention it will be custom fitted? You’ll show up, stand up front with me, make a 2 minute speech about how awesome I am, then you can call it a night. I won’t even give you a hard time for bailing early” 

“I just don’t want to ruin this for you, I want your day to be perfect. I know that’s what you want”

“I wish I could wrap my head around this idea of perfection you’ve created in your head for everyone.” 

“You all have these perfect lives and I’m really happy for you but I don’t know how I fit into that kind of world.” 

“You don’t honestly think we all have perfect lives do you? You are exaggerating right?” 

“You guys just have it all figured out” I huffed

“No one has a perfect life, not one single person from the gang has a perfect life and they would all tell you that if you bothered to ask, fuck Finn, Chop and Izzy broke up, they separated for 3 months. We are not perfect, have you met Chloe? She’d be the first to remind you that we do not exist in perfection.” 

“She’s perfect” 

“She is not perfect Finn, fuck, you don’t know anything. She’s-“

“I don’t want to know Archie”

“If you could just listen to me for like 5 minutes I think you’d feel a lot better” 

“I don’t want to know, it will not make it better” 

“Why do you think everything is better by being in the dark?” 

“I moved to get away from this what makes you think I want you to just show up and give me all the details about it. I don’t want to know, about any of it, even if I beg you to tell me. I want you to promise me that you will refuse to tell me anything before this goes any farther.” 

“Alright” he sighed heavily “I promise, I won’t say anything else about it.” 

“Thank you” 

“It’s just” he stopped and again with the sigh “you’re not going to ruin this, I want you to be there, I need my best friend for this” 

“Well as your best friend you have me here for whatever you need, to the best of my abilities.” 

“That’s all I ask” I could actually hear the relief pour out of him 

“I’ll be right on time for my fitting” 

“You better be” was the last thing he said before hanging up on me.

I’m not gonna sugar coat this, I pretty much spent the next 5 days wallowing in my misery and coming up with different scenarios in which this would implode, crash and burn and/or be completely ruined. I spoke to a therapist once, she told me that I wasn’t actually psychic and that maybe 200% of the time I was horribly wrong in how I made up in my mind how things would work out. As it turned out she was right pretty often, at least all those times I tested her theory. Mostly things like I won’t like that cereal or is 2% milk really all that different from 1% but at least she was sort of right, even if we’re only discussing breakfast foods. But mostly doesn’t really satisfy my over-active brain. 

6 years ago sitting across the table of a dive bar, she was laughing so hard that she actually had a tear run down her cheek. I couldn’t stop myself, I had leaned over and used my thumb to swipe it from her cheek. 

“You’re such an ass” she laughed 

“You enjoy my smart-ass come backs” 

“I think you’re right Nelson, I do actually like you” once my cheeks returned to a normal color 

“Yeah I’m pretty fond of you too Rae” Once Chop and Izzy returned to the table, he started in on this very elaborate story about orgasms in which we were all disgusted and really sure that Izzy was in for a pretty vanilla sex life. Rae kept shooting me glances, we were having an entire conversation via eyebrows and for a brief moment I actually thought she was flirting with me, her hand was on my thigh tracing out extremely horribly descriptive words about how crude his opinion of the female orgasm would be. She leaned over and whispered, her lips just ghosting across the shell of my ear, I was about to lose it. “How bad do you feel for Izzy after they have sex for the first time?” 

“Maybe it’s not that bad, she might have to school him” I laughed

“What are you two love birds on about?” Chloe asked with that sly grin across her face. 

“Uh we’re not-“

“Nothing” Rae responded quickly cutting me off, if she didn’t feel the need to correct them then there was no way I hell it would ever be me to do it. 

“Didn’t look like nothing” She said smiling, cocking her head to one side, her side eye was legendary. 

“Leave em’ alone Chloe” Izzy said laughing, pulling her back into the conversation, Izzy smiled and looked across to Rae and winked. Then, oddly enough Rae blushed and then excused herself to the restroom. It was one of the weirder experiences even though they gave us shit about our friendship constantly. It was hard for me to listen to them joke about us being together when that was all I wanted from her, I just could never work up the courage to tell her how I actually felt. 

To report back accurately I had met Todd and while he had a douchebag name, he was not actually a douchebag. He looked at Archie the way I had always looked at Rae and since I knew for a fact that the sun did not shine directly from Archie’s face, I knew that he was honestly in love with him. I am able to gather this fact to share because, unlike I was previously told, I was now sitting in the lobby of the Plaza Hotel, cake tasting. 

“When you gave me my list of duties, I don’t believe this was on them.”

“Shut up you’re eating free cake, even you cannot complain about that.”

“You’d be surprised what I can complain about” I responded smiling

“Well it’s less hurtful because you have icing on your nose” 

“Dickhead” 

“How can you even be waiting this late to pick a cake, the wedding is in 6 days”

“I have narrowed it down to this selection” he waves his hand over the 13 different cake options we have set out before us on the table “we’re making the final decision today” the volume of his voice increased as he shouted “if Todd will ever get off the phone so we can make this decision together” He threw back an apologetic smile and mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ 

“Won’t you have to deal with him having to take business calls at any given moment once you’re…how did you put it? Summering in the Hampton’s?” 

“No one in this room likes your attitude right now, its poor, if I were to give you a best man evaluation right now, I don’t think you’d even want to know your marks.”


	4. I've still got this dream that you just cant shake

It was actually nicer than I expected spending time with Archie and I’d never admit this out loud but I didn’t even mind doing all the stupid wedding stuff, it was worth it to get to spend time with him. I had almost forgotten how much I missed him and how big the role was he use to play in my life, it was really nice having him fill that role again. I can't remember the last time I actually enjoyed being called an asshole, I get it for other reasons these days. Maybe this is why I had decided to keep everyone at arm’s length in the first place, even having this one little piece of home was making me nostalgic for the other pieces. 

I had just finished my Thursday night shift and was pretty much dead on my feet, wanting nothing more than to go home and collapse into bed. I had managed to get out of working Friday night so I could pretend to get some sleep before the wedding. I was in exactly no way ready for what was waiting on me at the steps of my apartment building. In any other time I would have recognized her, I was still having a hard time from 30 feet away convincing myself that Izzy was waiting for me and even more aware of very obvious pregnancy. After rubbing my eyes, shaking my head and blinking for several seconds I decided I was not actually hallucinating and it was real. 

“Hey Izzy” I tried to make myself smile, I don’t know how it translated 

“Hey Izzy, 5 years Finn and all you can muster is Hey Izzy” she slapped my shoulder and shook her head at me “I’m very pregnant and its hot outside, so take me in and offer me something to drink”. 

The must have all coordinated how they were planning on giving me shit in the exact same way. This I thought I’d be able to handle a little better, she was the nice one, she was the one who didn’t make you talk about things if you didn’t want to, she was the ‘I’m here if you need me friend’ but I didn’t know if any of these people even still considered me a friend. 

“Do you know he’s making me work on Saturday, can you even believe that? He’s making me do the guestbook.” 

“Don’t you just have to sit at the table and ask people to sign that huge picture of them? You’ll be able to direct them to his forehead or something, that’ll be fun”

“I am pregnant and miserable, I am in the last actual month they will allow pregnant women to fly in. I had to get a doctor’s note for the airline just to get on the plane Finn, I should not have to work. I should be allowed to sit in some room with air-conditioning and let people tell me how I look like I’m glowing and have strangers rub my belly” 

“Where’s Chop?”

“I don’t know, it’s officially not my time to keep up with him today, I think he’s playing golf with Todd, which is sad really because he cannot play golf and he’s just going to embarrass himself and probably Archie too. But Todd’s a good guy, so I’m hoping he’ll take one for the team and not decide to bail just because Archie has annoying friends.”

“You sound like you guys are definitely still in the honeymoon phase” 

“Oh shut up” she huffed “where is my drink? Jeez are you always this poor a host?” 

“My apologies” I replied laughing, I filled a tall glass with lemonade and her level of annoyance seemed to drop at least 15 points. She settled into the sofa and propped her feet up on the table

“I’m sorry okay” she looked at her feet and then back up at me “it’s just my feet are swollen, I feel like I’m suffocating and it’s just so miserably hot here, I don’t know how you do it.” 

“You get used to it” I sat down next to her “and you can keep your feet on the table, it does not offend me” 

“Good because I wasn’t moving them, in fact I had decided to cry a little if you tried making me” I only responded with a laugh “so” she said glancing around the room “have you seen her yet?”

“She’s here already?” 

“Well that answers my question” 

“I…I didn’t know she was here…and” great what an amazing time to develop a stutter “and I’m not sure she’d want to see me either way” 

“Why wouldn’t she?” the look on her face was complete confusion and for a few seconds there we just stared back and forth at each other looking quite similar. “Do you remember the night at Rae’s party, when you two fell asleep in her bed?” 

I smiled without really meaning to thinking back about that night, it had gone from really bad to, extremely shitty and ended up being as okay as it could possibly have been, all thanks to Rae. 

“Yeah I remember” 

“Do you also recall that I was asleep at the foot of that bed?” 

“How could I forget I spent half the night thinking I’d end up kicking you off the end at some point?” 

“That’s beside the point” she laughed “you two always had this weird connection, it drove Chloe mad for years. She was so jealous that Rae had made this connection with some other person and I think she was even a little jealous you liked Rae more than her.” 

“It was never like that with Chloe”

“I know it wasn’t, because it was always like that with Rae” 

“Izzy I don’t want to talk about this”

“I know you don’t want to talk, which is why you need to listen” she was firm and in no way taking no for an answer and I was feeling the tight squeeze of being backed up into the same corner again. I panicked again shaking my head no.

“I don’t want to know”

“I wish at some point you’d figure out how to get over yourself” she huffed 

“I wish everyone would stop huffing at me all the time”

“Well you’re infuriating so you may as well accept that it’ll be a running theme for the rest of your life” 

“Good to know” 

“Look at me” she said sitting up, taking my hands and folding them up in her warm palms “I want you to look at me and really listen to what I’m going to say to you” 

“Izzy please stop” I couldn’t meet her eyes, I knew it was going to be bad

“Finn” it was only a whisper and she let me take my own time lifting my head to finally look up at her “that girl loves you and she has loved you her entire life, I know that scares you and I know you think you ruined things but at the very least please just talk to her this weekend. Try and remember how you felt just being around her.” I jerked my hands away from her and stood up, across the room before I had even registered I was doing it

“She doesn’t love me Izzy, she loves him and I won’t ruin that for her.” 

“Finn you’re wrong and you don’t even know how wrong you are” 

“I think you should go, it was nice seeing you but I have things to do and” I searched for the words, something I had to do to just make her leave “and I just, I just want you to leave now”. She rolled off the sofa and walked over to me, she smiled that same happy-go-lucky smile that was contagious and pushed my hair back off my forehead 

“Okay, I’ll go” she leaned over and kissed my cheek “I’ll see you Saturday, I’m sorry if I upset you” 

“Yeah” I stammered “I’ll see you Saturday” 

 

Saturday didn’t really start off that bad, I had woken up, in the floor, across from a drooling Archie laying across the middle of the hotel bed. I had kept my head down the entire morning and hadn’t even seen so much as a glimpse of her raven hair. I was doing this, I was keeping it together and was going to deliver my best man speech without a stutter, sweating, swearing or staining my own cheeks bright red. I was saving the last one for Archie. Everything was fine, I had my champagne flute in one hand, microphone in the other and everything went all to hell as soon as I looked up and to the left. God, had she always been this beautiful? I had no words left in my mind and the entire audience’s attention. She was looking right at me, smiling, just like I had always wanted her to. As if on cue she winked and mouthed ‘you’ll be great’. Always wanted I wanted, needed and could never have.


	5. And when you're feeling open I'll still be here

I’m not gonna lie, I was glancing around making myself aware of each possible exit. I was ready to run out of that reception hall and jump into the first car I saw and get the hell out of there. But you know, running away only takes your body away from the problem. It never fixes anything and it never allows you to feel that sweet relief of finally making a decision and yeah sometimes the consequences aren’t what you want but sometimes they are. And even if I was never going to find out what the consequences would be had I made a different decision all those years ago, I could change this one, right now. I could finally give Archie something in return for all the pain I had caused him by leaving without a goodbye. I could and did tell that room a very embarrassing story involving a George Michael marathon of ‘Careless Whisper’ and a very drunk Archie crying about a guy who he’d never get over. But it ended on a high note. 

“I may not know Todd very well quite yet, we’re gonna change that but I do know Archie and I know he’s the kind of person everyone wishes for. Todd knows he’s a lucky guy but they’re both pretty lucky because they both found the courage to tell the other how they felt, they took a chance and the reward outweighed the risk. If they hadn’t we wouldn’t be here today celebrating their love. Courage is a funny thing, everyone can wish it for you but sooner or later you have to find your own. So” I said lifting my flute “here’s to love and being the best damn example of finding your courage we could all ever hope for. I love you and thank you for allowing me to be a part of this day with you.” 

I will argue with anyone to this day that I have no idea how any of that actually came out of my mouth because I had a pretty well organized speech written down on a crumpled napkin in my pocket. I have never strung that many words together in front of that many people face to face in my life and come out of it without heading through the kitchen and out the service exit. 

The best part now was that I had seen her and had felt how much it was going to hurt to have her look into my eyes. If anyone had told me that heart break was an actual physical feeling before her I would have laughed in their face. But I could feel the pain burning in my heart and what that clearly meant to me was that it was time to start drinking something a little stronger and to start making my way to the exit. Knowing that she was looking at me made my fingers tingle, which was actually kind of alarming. 

After making actual eye contact, I had hidden behind two pillars, ducked behind the bar, asked Todd’s grandmother to dance and awkwardly screeched out “gotta pee” in order to avoid her walking towards me. While hiding in the bathroom I was made. 

“Your speech was perfect” Archie said clapping his hand over my shoulder, standing beside me at the sinks. 

“I thought perfection didn’t exist?” I shot back sarcastically 

“Maybe it does, Nelson, maybe with you perfection just takes a little time” he raised his eyebrows at me, like that was supposed to mean something. “You know what I think it’s time for you to do now?” 

“Please say leave through the back exit” he laughed and shook his head

“Nope, I think it’s time for you to find your courage” He loosened my tie and turned into me putting both of his hands on my shoulders “She’s asked me at least 30 times if you were planning on speaking to her, she has some things to say to you that I think you might actually want to hear” 

“Before or after she murders me?” 

“You’re so dramatic and that is not something I ever thought I’d have to say out loud to you.” 

“I don’t know how I’ll go back to my normal life after she leaves if I actually speak to her. It was so hard when I first came here. All I wanted to do was talk to her and it was the one thing I couldn’t trust myself to do.” 

“Well I’m officially passing my courage onto you now, you lion have found your courage, and are going to go back into that ballroom and talk to your dream girl.” I took a deep breath and exhaled possibly more air than I had taken in, I made it two steps to the door before he stopped me. 

“You know I’m here for you, no matter what happens today. I don’t want this, no matter what happens to be another excuse to go back to emails monthly” 

“You’re right Archie, no matter how this day ends, I’m not bailing on this friendship, I’ll go summering in the Hampton’s or whatever you fancy people do.” 

“Shut up” he laughed smoothing out the lapels of my jacket and taming my hair, I had only moments ago destroyed. 

“Make up your mind Archibald, you either want me to talk or shut up” I continued my path 

“Finn” I stopped and looked back at him “she’s not perfect.” Smiling, I pulled the door open

“She’ll always be perfect to me”. 

As fate would have it, or whoever had given her my latest location she was waiting across the hallway with two glasses and a bottle of champagne. I didn’t speak but I walked right up to her and she handed me a glass. 

“We’re going to sit outside and look at each other until this isn’t weird anymore” she stated smiling. 

“That might take a while” 

“I’ve got all night” she whispered linking her arm with mine directing me to the previously closed off balcony. 

If you are ever experiencing the overwhelming feeling of being set up, you should just go ahead and assume it’s your asshole friends. When I turned to close the balcony doors behind us, I saw Archie leaning his head over onto Todd’s shoulder, Izzy having her belly rubbed by Chop grinning like an idiot and Chloe with her glass pressed to her mouth hiding a sly smile, all standing together, very obviously watching my life crashing and ready to be set on fire. 

It got weirder before it got better. I couldn’t sit still, she sat like the perfect creature she was in her long green dress on the bench facing the skyline and patiently waited for me to get my shit together. Occasionally she’d turn her beautiful neck around and look at me, smile and tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, reassuring me she was ready to listen whenever I was ready to open my fucking mouth. She hadn’t really even changed, her hair still flowing down her back, those same plump lips I wanted on mine and her tell, the one thing she could never hide, she still had those nervous fingers, tracing patters on her own thigh. I was going to die. Finally after entirely too long, she turned around facing me and refilled my glass but she didn’t turn back around. 

“It’s time you know” she said vaguely

“It’s past time” I responded weakly 

“Since you aren’t doing so great at the speaking part right now, how about you do a little listening?” I took another deep breath and caved

“Okay, I think I can do that” I did not want to do that but I owed her that much, if she needed to yell at me then I’d take my verbal lashing and deal with the damage after this day was over. 

“You’re so stubborn and you think you know everything” she paused and took a sip of her drink “and you don’t know anything, at least you don’t know anything about me. You just left me, you bailed Finn, you left when everything was such a mess and I was a mess and everything, Finn, everything was a mess and you couldn’t stop and see that leaving wouldn’t magically fix everything, it would just leave this hole that no other person would be able to fill or fix of whatever you thought it would achieve.” Another drink “it was still a mess even when you left, it’s still a mess today” she sighed “Eric was there and he didn’t think it was a big deal to hold my hand in front of the gang, he didn’t think that kissing me would ruin everything.” She stopped and didn’t speak for a few minutes and I felt like I had been holding my breath for an hour once she finally started again. 

“It was so easy with him, he didn’t have any opinion that would challenge mine, and he let me have my way and never made me work for anything. It was so easy” 

“It was easy?” I questioned 

“It was, until it wasn’t easy anymore, until I was so bored from being in the same room with him that all I could do was get mad about the way he folded the towels. I yelled at a sweet, honest, loyal man for a year about the way he folded towels and it is entirely your fault.” 

“How is this in any way my fault?” I asked genuinely confused 

“It shouldn’t have been him I spent my time arguing with, it shouldn’t have been him I married, it shouldn’t have been him there when I needed someone.” She had tears running down her cheeks and my heart was breaking into a thousand pieces just like I knew it would. She tilted her head back and I saw the emotion drain from her body “it shouldn’t have been him” she finally looked back over at me “because it should have been you”. 

This is the moment Archie was talking about when I needed to be the lion who found his courage and I’m not proud of how unoriginal I was in this moment but it was literally the only thing I could force out of my mouth. It was so cliché that she should have just left me on the balcony to die. 

“Rachel Earl, I have been in love with you from the first day I met you and I will spend the rest of my life in love with you and I should have said that to you a long time ago.” 

“Then why can't you let me love you back?” 

It was the exact thing I had needed her to say to me all those years ago and they were no special words, nothing fancy nothing extreme. Just a question that I had never even entertained the thought of her wanting to do. I had convinced myself that there was no way she would ever love me the way I loved her that I never even gave her the chance. I had wasted years of my life and broken up so many friendships all because I was too afraid to take what was right in front of me. Well you know what? Fuck all this noise, I wasn’t waiting around anymore. If she wanted to love me back then she was getting all of it, she was getting my stupid love song dedications, she was getting roses on Valentine’s Day, I was going to take her dancing, I was going to take her on a picnic in the middle of central park and lay in bed next to her and whisper the lyrics to wonderwall in her ear after we made love. But right now, in this moment I was going to risk it all and finally kiss her so we could decide if this was ever really a friendship to begin with. So I did, I gathered up every ounce of courage I could muster, took three steps towards her, pulled her body against mine and pressed my lips to hers. I tangled my fingers in her hair and when I pulled back I internally begged that she’d pull me back in. 

Good news is, she didn’t knee me in the business. Bad news is that she didn’t immediately kiss me back. But what she did was better 

“Take me home Finn Nelson so I can show you how much I love you” she smiled grabbing my tie pulling me back in. I wish I could explain to you how perfect this kiss was but I will never be able to, imagine everything you ever wanted happening in one single moment. Everyone was disgusted by the smile I could not remove from my face. Archie gave us his blessing to leave early and I broke the speed limit several times. 

By the time I had her pressed into my mattress, dress dropped from her shoulders in the living room, I was on another planet. It is an understatement for me to say to you that it was a goodnight. But if I thought the night was good, waking up to her head on my chest was something I’d never be able to face. I had Rachel Earl naked, in my bed, in love with me and I hadn’t been this happy maybe ever in my entire life. 

 

Two Years Later – 

“I hate the way you fold towels” she smiled, shutting the bathroom door and walking into the living room.

“You love me and the way I fold towels” I returned her smile pulling her down next to me on the sofa 

“You are wrong Mr. Nelson, I love you and I tolerate the way you fold towels.” 

“As long as you still love me, I’ll re-fold all the towels in this entire building, Mrs. Nelson” 

“You’re stuck with me now” she grinned and propped her feet up on the same coffee table. “But I may kill you if your child doesn’t remove his butt from my bladder, I’m tired of peeing every 10 minutes.”


End file.
